Hard Times at Christmas

Hello Mama! I pray all is well with you! I know you want to kick my butt right now. I still haven't been back to see you in almost two years now. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I'm not ready to see you. This is the time of year when everyone is happy and joyous and surrounded by family having dinner and catching up. I know that's what you want to do with me, but I'm just not ready yet.

Yes, I understand that Christmas Day is your birthday and in the past, it was tradition for all of us kids to brings the grandkids to your house for a grand celebration, but I just haven't been feeling that way lately.

It certainly isn't because I've stopped loving you or caring about you. It's just that I've been really trying to focus on what we talked about as far as my career is concerned. I'm really trying to do what I have to for my future. It's a long hard road, but it's keeping me focused and my mind occupied.

I know there's NO excuse for me not stopping by and saying hello every once in a while, but I do have a valid one. Well, at least I think it's valid. And, I really am trying to make time to work up the nerve to face the music. I'm not sure if you've even settled in your new surroundings. How are your new neighbors? They seemed like really nice people. At least that's what we were told.

I'm not sure if you knew this, but I sat outside on your lawn everyday for the first eight weeks just to make sure you were adjusting well. Once I saw that they had added your new address, I felt comfortable with not visiting as much. Then one day, I just couldn't bare going there anymore. I could tell that you would be alright.

I spent a lot of my days crying and asking why. Why did I have to lose my mother? Why wasn't there something I could have done to help save her? Why did it have to be something so rare and devasting that took you away? When will I become alright with visiting your new home? When will I finally accept that this is how things are?

All I want is one last hug that I can remember, one last time to hear your voice and one last time to smell your scent. So, I know that you can forgive me for not visiting you at the moment, but I do talk to you all the time. I feel your presence everyday. I see you in my daughter's eyes. I feel you always deep in my heart.

So, today on this eve of your birthday, I wanted to take some time out and tell you Happy Birthday, Mommy and I love you forever and always!